There are similarities anyway. I know this because I have just been on a chemo training course (yes, really) run by Macmillan. All jokes aside, it was quite beneficial, not so much in allaying my fears, just in normalising the process. To start with I was getting a bit sad about the whole ‘this is just like pregnancy’ but then after about the fifth thing they said that was the same as having a baby, I started to find it quite amusing to draw that parallel. 

So here are the similarities:

Nausea and vomiting – this link needs no explanation. As with morning sickness, ginger biscuits are recommended, as is holding the actual vomiting at bay because once you pop, you just can’t stop.

You need to drink at least 2 litres of water a day – just like breastfeeding then.

You have to brush your teeth with a soft baby toothbrush and use baby teething products for the mouth ulcers.

You need to use baby shampoo on your hair and be gentle when you wash it. No hairdryers, no straighteners. And probably no tattoos.

You can’t dye your hair.

You will be prone to constipation and/or diarrhoea.

You will be tired.

Your tastes will change.

You will need to use Factor 50 sun lotion, cover the head and neck, and preferably sit in a buggy and get someone else to push you everywhere.

You can’t eat: eggs, shell fish, soft cheese, bio yoghurts and pate. 

And my favourite: ‘It is not known whether chemotherapy drugs can be present in semen or vaginal fluids. To protect your partner, it is safest to either avoid sex or use a barrier form of contraception for about 48 hours after chemotherapy.’ WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO WANT SEX WITHIN 48 HOURS OF CHEMOTHERAPY ANYWAY?