Heart Sick

Nate and I are splitting up. It feels even more devastating than having cancer because with cancer, you have the whole medical profession on your side, but with heart break you just have to find your way through it. There’s no treatment for feeling like you can’t get  out of bed. There’s no surgery to remove the black pain in your heart. There’s no one to hold your hand at 3am and tell you that of course you’ll get better. One day. In a long, long time. 

I’m not going into the ins and out of it. He doesn’t feel the same about me any more. We’ve both said and done horrible things in the last week. I’ve tried to make him realise that when you love someone like I love him, you can always make it work. But he doesn’t agree. Because he doesn’t love me like I love him. 

So I have no choice but to fight my way through the heartache alongside fighting my way through the upcoming surgery, while also fighting my way through the menopause. None of this is going to be easy, a lot of it isn’t going to be pretty. Some of it is going to be funny. Most of it is just going to be painfully sad. But I will get through it. Like I got through cancer, and a miscarriage, and a breakdown. Because I have children, and they are my number one priority, and there’s only so much selfish wallowing I can tolerate myself rolling about in before – hopefully – my brain kicks in and reminds me what’s important in my life. That day will come, and until then I’ll function and get up and have a shower and be a mother to my children. 

But god it hurts.